It has been a very eventful weekend on the war front with my mom. She still cannot admit to do anything wrong and continues to believe that if I would just apologize to her that things would go back to the way things were. She is so angry and bitter that I am not allowing her to abuse me anymore. Not to mention she is very jealous. Jealous of my inlaws, jealous of my newborn son...yes, a 56 year old woman is jealous of a 3 month old!
I received a very nasty voice mail from my mom on Saturday afternoon.
*I have removed the copy of the voice mail from this post for various reasons.*
The voice mail was horrendous, just a pattern of things that have happened all my life. Sure there are times when things are good but watch out when they are not. She has no problem calling me every name in the book and blaming me for everything she has ever done wrong or everything that is not going right in her life.
She loved to name call when I was growing up, "wicked witch" was one of her favorites. When she was mad, she would also say to me "I love you but I don't like you". I understand that kids can do things you don't like but to tell them you don't like them is just wrong. I could never imagine telling either one of my kids that I don't like them. Children are such a precious gift from God and should be treated as such.
There were also times she would threaten to send me away to a girl's home. Now some of you might be thinking to yourself, "What did she do to deserve that treatment? She must have been a bad kid". The thing is, I wasn't a bad kid at all. Sure I wasn't perfect but I was normal. I made good grades in school, studied hard, stayed out of trouble but when I stepped into my home, the place I was supposed to be loved the most, I was treated like an outcast or some deviant.
When I was a teenager, I remember having to get up at 5am to get ready for school, so by the time I got home in the afternoon I was tired and wanted to nap. My mom would accuse me of being on drugs because I was napping. I literally could do nothing right.
I have really been fighting myself internally over whether or not I wanted to keep my parents in my children's life or not. However, after this message and after she posted on Facebook again blaming me for everything and then threatening to call CPS because Mason's bed time routine starts at 6:30pm, I really don't think it is in the best interest of my children for them to see their grandmother. I especially don't feel they should be alone with her. It is definitely something I will continue to be praying about.
Today at church we had a wonderful sermon in Pastor Kerry's No Regrets series called Lord of the Dance. After everything this weekend, one passage really stuck out to me.
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.
Luke 9:51 (NIV)
The reason it sticks out to me is that I have been through so much abuse at the hands of my parents and even though I am mourning the loss of what I wish my parents would have been or should be, I know that God loves me and is bringing me through this. For that, I will dance and have joy in my heart.
Showing posts with label Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Show all posts
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
How to proceed forward
The last week or two has been very challenging. Over a month ago, I sat down and wrote a letter to my parents telling them how I had been feeling and how I would like for things to change. To sum it up, they replied telling me I was oversensitive and then turned everything else around on me, name calling included.
Since last week my mom has been calling me, texting me, emailing me all in an attempt to get me to go back to the way things were. She has been very disrespectful of me and my family, written judgmental things about me on Facebook for everyone to see, shown up at my house unannounced and even stooped so far as dragging my son's soccer coach into this mess by asking him to email her information about the soccer games!
After receiving an email from her today, again placing blame on me and then ending with "but I love you", I am sitting here trying to figure out where to go from here.
The bible verse for this weeks No Regrets Challenge at church is:
Just when I was sitting here thinking, "What am I going to do? How to I proceed from here?" My mind went to this weeks Bible verse. I need to seek Him in how to proceed. I need to keep myself focused on Him at all times and even though this is a big huge mess right now, I know that He will bring me through as long as I let him have control.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, trying to figure everything out on our own that we forget to stop and seek his guidance and let him lead us at all times.
Since last week my mom has been calling me, texting me, emailing me all in an attempt to get me to go back to the way things were. She has been very disrespectful of me and my family, written judgmental things about me on Facebook for everyone to see, shown up at my house unannounced and even stooped so far as dragging my son's soccer coach into this mess by asking him to email her information about the soccer games!
After receiving an email from her today, again placing blame on me and then ending with "but I love you", I am sitting here trying to figure out where to go from here.
The bible verse for this weeks No Regrets Challenge at church is:
Proverbs 3:5-10
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the bets.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
Just when I was sitting here thinking, "What am I going to do? How to I proceed from here?" My mind went to this weeks Bible verse. I need to seek Him in how to proceed. I need to keep myself focused on Him at all times and even though this is a big huge mess right now, I know that He will bring me through as long as I let him have control.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, trying to figure everything out on our own that we forget to stop and seek his guidance and let him lead us at all times.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Facing My Giants - - Part 2 - - So there is a name for it
I mentioned in Part 1 that I always thought my mother was bipolar. She’s never been diagnosed with any mental disorders formally but I always knew there was something wrong. In the last few years I have become friends with an amazing group of women online. It is amazing the bond you can have with women you have never met in real life and how you can relate to each other and help each other through all areas of life. During the last few months I have had some difficulty dealing with my parents, obviously, and when I vented to these women one particular woman came forward with a link for me to read. I opened the page and kind of glanced at it but didn’t take the time to read it right away.
Another week or so had gone by and things were getting more difficult with my mom and I just had this gnawing feeling that I needed to go look at that link, I needed to sit down and really read it. So I did and I finally not only found a name for what my mom has but I was given the answers to what has been happening to me all my life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - - this is what has been abusing me for the past 32 years. I am a daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. Wow, there it is. It’s been a month since I read that link and I am still on an emotional roller coaster over this new finding.
One of the pages describes the characteristics of narcissistic mothers and it was like someone had been watching my life and taking notes. It was so surreal and even now it is surreal to me. All these years I had thought there was something wrong and to finally have a name for it was uplifting yet discouraging at the same time.
This is the page describing the characteristics of narcissistic mothers. I would love to list them here but this website goes into great detail and I don’t believe I am allowed to just copy and paste it here, so I will link it.
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html
NPD doesn’t just affect the person with the disorder, it affects the whole family. In my family’s case my father is an enabler, as are most husbands with wives with NPD. He enables my mother and feeds into her NPD. In the last few years I have found that not only does he enable her but he has become more and more like her to the point that I don’t even recognize him anymore. To the point that you can almost see the joy on his face when he is using his words to abuse me. Then there is the aspect of the children (me and my brother). As in a classic case of NPD, my brother is the “golden child”, in this case no matter what he does wrong (because let’s face it, he’s pretty screwed up) he is never actually wrong and I am the “scapegoat”, no matter what I do, I am wrong, and no matter what happens, it is my fault.
As some of you read, you may think “Great, you have a name for what is going on. Now your family can get help.” Unfortunately, it is not as easy as that. There is no medication to help with this disorder like there is if she were bipolar, so the only hope would be counseling. However, people with NPD almost never admit they have a problem therefore they will never seek help. Since I am the scapegoat, if I ever confronted her with this my mother would say that I am the one with the problem, if only I would do things her way everything would be fine. As my father so nicely put it in a letter to me recently, I am just oversensitive.
What I have learned over the last month is that there are 3 options when it comes to NPD. The first is to continue on with the way things are and continue to be abused, the second is to limit the contact and the third is to stop all contact.
I’ve definitely spent a lot of time going back and forth between wanting limited contact and no contact. The main reason is my kids. My oldest son loves my parents dearly and I hate to take them away from him. However, I also don’t want my children to see their mother abused because I don’t feel that is healthy for them either. I kept thinking maybe there was some way to limit contact but still give my kids their grandparents. So in a futile attempt to try to mend and change things with my parents, I recently sent an email to my dad explaining how I was feeling and how I would like things to change. I knew that writing my feelings down was the only way I would have any hope of them actually hearing what I was saying.
Unfortunately, but as expected, the letter was not well received. They took the letter and tore it to shreds with their words. They turned everything around on me, blamed me for everything, came up with some pretty delusional scenarios, and never once acknowledged my feelings. The intent of their reply was to squash my feelings, make me feel inadequate, put me back in “my place” and have our relationship continue the way it has always been. That was the point that I decided no contact was the path I would like to pursue right now.
As I have learned this week, no contact is not quite as easy as it sounds. My parents are resisting my new stance. They have absolutely no respect for me or my family and, at this point, I am unsure how this will all play out. The anxiety over all of this is affecting me physically and that really worries me and makes me mad at the same time. I’m mad that their lack of respect and their need to abuse me is affecting me to the point of physical illness. I have children that I truly love and I want to be around for them and I know that this anxiety and my symptoms of anxiety are not good for my health at all. I just pray that this anxiety will lift soon.
The title to Casting Crowns’ song “I will praise you in this storm” keeps coming to my mind lately. Today while I was writing the 1st part of my blog entries I put some praise and worship music on and just praised the Lord because I can only get through this with God by my side. I am also thankful to the people God has placed in my life to help get me through this.
This is also another great song by Casting Crowns.
Another week or so had gone by and things were getting more difficult with my mom and I just had this gnawing feeling that I needed to go look at that link, I needed to sit down and really read it. So I did and I finally not only found a name for what my mom has but I was given the answers to what has been happening to me all my life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - - this is what has been abusing me for the past 32 years. I am a daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. Wow, there it is. It’s been a month since I read that link and I am still on an emotional roller coaster over this new finding.
One of the pages describes the characteristics of narcissistic mothers and it was like someone had been watching my life and taking notes. It was so surreal and even now it is surreal to me. All these years I had thought there was something wrong and to finally have a name for it was uplifting yet discouraging at the same time.
This is the page describing the characteristics of narcissistic mothers. I would love to list them here but this website goes into great detail and I don’t believe I am allowed to just copy and paste it here, so I will link it.
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html
NPD doesn’t just affect the person with the disorder, it affects the whole family. In my family’s case my father is an enabler, as are most husbands with wives with NPD. He enables my mother and feeds into her NPD. In the last few years I have found that not only does he enable her but he has become more and more like her to the point that I don’t even recognize him anymore. To the point that you can almost see the joy on his face when he is using his words to abuse me. Then there is the aspect of the children (me and my brother). As in a classic case of NPD, my brother is the “golden child”, in this case no matter what he does wrong (because let’s face it, he’s pretty screwed up) he is never actually wrong and I am the “scapegoat”, no matter what I do, I am wrong, and no matter what happens, it is my fault.
As some of you read, you may think “Great, you have a name for what is going on. Now your family can get help.” Unfortunately, it is not as easy as that. There is no medication to help with this disorder like there is if she were bipolar, so the only hope would be counseling. However, people with NPD almost never admit they have a problem therefore they will never seek help. Since I am the scapegoat, if I ever confronted her with this my mother would say that I am the one with the problem, if only I would do things her way everything would be fine. As my father so nicely put it in a letter to me recently, I am just oversensitive.
What I have learned over the last month is that there are 3 options when it comes to NPD. The first is to continue on with the way things are and continue to be abused, the second is to limit the contact and the third is to stop all contact.
I’ve definitely spent a lot of time going back and forth between wanting limited contact and no contact. The main reason is my kids. My oldest son loves my parents dearly and I hate to take them away from him. However, I also don’t want my children to see their mother abused because I don’t feel that is healthy for them either. I kept thinking maybe there was some way to limit contact but still give my kids their grandparents. So in a futile attempt to try to mend and change things with my parents, I recently sent an email to my dad explaining how I was feeling and how I would like things to change. I knew that writing my feelings down was the only way I would have any hope of them actually hearing what I was saying.
Unfortunately, but as expected, the letter was not well received. They took the letter and tore it to shreds with their words. They turned everything around on me, blamed me for everything, came up with some pretty delusional scenarios, and never once acknowledged my feelings. The intent of their reply was to squash my feelings, make me feel inadequate, put me back in “my place” and have our relationship continue the way it has always been. That was the point that I decided no contact was the path I would like to pursue right now.
As I have learned this week, no contact is not quite as easy as it sounds. My parents are resisting my new stance. They have absolutely no respect for me or my family and, at this point, I am unsure how this will all play out. The anxiety over all of this is affecting me physically and that really worries me and makes me mad at the same time. I’m mad that their lack of respect and their need to abuse me is affecting me to the point of physical illness. I have children that I truly love and I want to be around for them and I know that this anxiety and my symptoms of anxiety are not good for my health at all. I just pray that this anxiety will lift soon.
The title to Casting Crowns’ song “I will praise you in this storm” keeps coming to my mind lately. Today while I was writing the 1st part of my blog entries I put some praise and worship music on and just praised the Lord because I can only get through this with God by my side. I am also thankful to the people God has placed in my life to help get me through this.
This is also another great song by Casting Crowns.
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