It has been over 2 years since my last post. So much has gone on and so much is going on in my life. I am still holding strong with no contact of my parents. I have been able to slowly start healing, growing, sorting through all the lies they told me about myself and becoming the person I was meant to be.
In the midst all of this growth and change I began to realize that my marriage wasn't all it should be. I have tried to make things better in the wrong ways. I have made mistakes, I am not without fault. I have also tried to make things better in the right ways but to no avail.
However, it has boiled down to my husband walking away from our family and the life we built over the last 12 years. He has chosen not love me. He can't see how choosing to love me and acting in love would bring back all those feelings we used to have and allow God to heal us individually, heal us as a couple and heal us as a family. It kills me to hear of how God can save marriages and relationships and we just have to step in faith towards that goal but he refuses to take that step.
The hurt and pain of knowing that the person who promised to love me just walked away without a care in the world is indescribable. I don't understand how you can be with someone so long, have children with them, and not care at all. The pain and the tears can be on my face and he can walk away, show no emotion like he is passing a stranger on the street.
Some days I question, who is this man? Is this the same man I married? Was I blinded by the chaos my parents created in my life?
On top of the pain I feel for myself, I feel so sad for my kids. They deserve so much better than this. It kills me to know the struggles and heartache this will cause them growing up and that there is nothing I can do to change things. I have tried so hard, just to be ignored.
I have kept this all in for a long time. Ashamed of my circumstances. Ashamed to let others in and know what is going on. Pretending everything is ok. I am going to be struggling for a long time with this. I know my reactions to his abandonment will not be rational or ladylike or even Christ like.
I just ask that if you read this that you will say a prayer for me and my family. I can only go through this with Christ's strength. I wouldn't be able to get out of bed if it weren't for the love and strength of Christ surrounding me.
