I haven't blogged in a while because I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible, running from the grief and pain. I'm not doing too great of a job of it and I think it is slowly starting to catch up to me.
The start of the miscarriage was 5 weeks ago today, that pregnancy and loss feels like an eternity ago but the pain feels like it was just yesterday. For a while everyday seemed to get better but now the closer we get to Christmas the harder it is for me.
I keep thinking of how if I wouldn't have had the first loss that I would have a 2 month old for Christmas and thinking of what it would be like to have a newborn right now. While I know these thoughts do me no good, it's still hard not to think about what might have been. Then those thoughts and feelings lead me to the most recent loss and how devastated it made me feel. Then all those painful feelings and memories come rushing back to me.
Which then brings me to the present, the feelings associated with how we're starting back at square one and how it's been almost a year since we started on this journey to try to conceive a 2nd living child and we still don't have a 2nd living child or a viable pregnancy to show for it. I guess on some level it makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I have done everything right and haven't caused this to happen to myself. Then there are the feelings of being scared to try again with the unknown of what will happen when I get pregnant again.
It just seems like way too much for a person to deal with, it's so overwhelming at times. Some moments I just want to cry but then I feel foolish for crying, it's so hard to describe. In the grand scheme of things, I just want to be able to move past this all and be happy and not be in pain anymore.
I'm really hoping and praying that 2011 will be a much better year filled with God's bountiful blessing upon our family.
