Facing My Giants - - Part 2 - - So there is a name for it

I mentioned in Part 1 that I always thought my mother was bipolar. She’s never been diagnosed with any mental disorders formally but I always knew there was something wrong. In the last few years I have become friends with an amazing group of women online. It is amazing the bond you can have with women you have never met in real life and how you can relate to each other and help each other through all areas of life. During the last few months I have had some difficulty dealing with my parents, obviously, and when I vented to these women one particular woman came forward with a link for me to read. I opened the page and kind of glanced at it but didn’t take the time to read it right away.

Another week or so had gone by and things were getting more difficult with my mom and I just had this gnawing feeling that I needed to go look at that link, I needed to sit down and really read it. So I did and I finally not only found a name for what my mom has but I was given the answers to what has been happening to me all my life.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - - this is what has been abusing me for the past 32 years. I am a daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. Wow, there it is. It’s been a month since I read that link and I am still on an emotional roller coaster over this new finding.

One of the pages describes the characteristics of narcissistic mothers and it was like someone had been watching my life and taking notes. It was so surreal and even now it is surreal to me. All these years I had thought there was something wrong and to finally have a name for it was uplifting yet discouraging at the same time.

This is the page describing the characteristics of narcissistic mothers. I would love to list them here but this website goes into great detail and I don’t believe I am allowed to just copy and paste it here, so I will link it.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html


NPD doesn’t just affect the person with the disorder, it affects the whole family. In my family’s case my father is an enabler, as are most husbands with wives with NPD. He enables my mother and feeds into her NPD. In the last few years I have found that not only does he enable her but he has become more and more like her to the point that I don’t even recognize him anymore. To the point that you can almost see the joy on his face when he is using his words to abuse me. Then there is the aspect of the children (me and my brother). As in a classic case of NPD, my brother is the “golden child”, in this case no matter what he does wrong (because let’s face it, he’s pretty screwed up) he is never actually wrong and I am the “scapegoat”, no matter what I do, I am wrong, and no matter what happens, it is my fault.

As some of you read, you may think “Great, you have a name for what is going on. Now your family can get help.” Unfortunately, it is not as easy as that. There is no medication to help with this disorder like there is if she were bipolar, so the only hope would be counseling. However, people with NPD almost never admit they have a problem therefore they will never seek help. Since I am the scapegoat, if I ever confronted her with this my mother would say that I am the one with the problem, if only I would do things her way everything would be fine. As my father so nicely put it in a letter to me recently, I am just oversensitive.

What I have learned over the last month is that there are 3 options when it comes to NPD. The first is to continue on with the way things are and continue to be abused, the second is to limit the contact and the third is to stop all contact.

I’ve definitely spent a lot of time going back and forth between wanting limited contact and no contact. The main reason is my kids. My oldest son loves my parents dearly and I hate to take them away from him. However, I also don’t want my children to see their mother abused because I don’t feel that is healthy for them either. I kept thinking maybe there was some way to limit contact but still give my kids their grandparents. So in a futile attempt to try to mend and change things with my parents, I recently sent an email to my dad explaining how I was feeling and how I would like things to change. I knew that writing my feelings down was the only way I would have any hope of them actually hearing what I was saying.

Unfortunately, but as expected, the letter was not well received. They took the letter and tore it to shreds with their words. They turned everything around on me, blamed me for everything, came up with some pretty delusional scenarios, and never once acknowledged my feelings. The intent of their reply was to squash my feelings, make me feel inadequate, put me back in “my place” and have our relationship continue the way it has always been. That was the point that I decided no contact was the path I would like to pursue right now.

As I have learned this week, no contact is not quite as easy as it sounds. My parents are resisting my new stance. They have absolutely no respect for me or my family and, at this point, I am unsure how this will all play out. The anxiety over all of this is affecting me physically and that really worries me and makes me mad at the same time. I’m mad that their lack of respect and their need to abuse me is affecting me to the point of physical illness. I have children that I truly love and I want to be around for them and I know that this anxiety and my symptoms of anxiety are not good for my health at all. I just pray that this anxiety will lift soon.

The title to Casting Crowns’ song “I will praise you in this storm” keeps coming to my mind lately. Today while I was writing the 1st part of my blog entries I put some praise and worship music on and just praised the Lord because I can only get through this with God by my side. I am also thankful to the people God has placed in my life to help get me through this.



This is also another great song by Casting Crowns.