I mentioned in Part 1 that I always thought my mother was bipolar. She’s never been diagnosed with any mental disorders formally but I always knew there was something wrong. In the last few years I have become friends with an amazing group of women online. It is amazing the bond you can have with women you have never met in real life and how you can relate to each other and help each other through all areas of life. During the last few months I have had some difficulty dealing with my parents, obviously, and when I vented to these women one particular woman came forward with a link for me to read. I opened the page and kind of glanced at it but didn’t take the time to read it right away.
Another week or so had gone by and things were getting more difficult with my mom and I just had this gnawing feeling that I needed to go look at that link, I needed to sit down and really read it. So I did and I finally not only found a name for what my mom has but I was given the answers to what has been happening to me all my life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - - this is what has been abusing me for the past 32 years. I am a daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. Wow, there it is. It’s been a month since I read that link and I am still on an emotional roller coaster over this new finding.
One of the pages describes the characteristics of narcissistic mothers and it was like someone had been watching my life and taking notes. It was so surreal and even now it is surreal to me. All these years I had thought there was something wrong and to finally have a name for it was uplifting yet discouraging at the same time.
This is the page describing the characteristics of narcissistic mothers. I would love to list them here but this website goes into great detail and I don’t believe I am allowed to just copy and paste it here, so I will link it.
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html
NPD doesn’t just affect the person with the disorder, it affects the whole family. In my family’s case my father is an enabler, as are most husbands with wives with NPD. He enables my mother and feeds into her NPD. In the last few years I have found that not only does he enable her but he has become more and more like her to the point that I don’t even recognize him anymore. To the point that you can almost see the joy on his face when he is using his words to abuse me. Then there is the aspect of the children (me and my brother). As in a classic case of NPD, my brother is the “golden child”, in this case no matter what he does wrong (because let’s face it, he’s pretty screwed up) he is never actually wrong and I am the “scapegoat”, no matter what I do, I am wrong, and no matter what happens, it is my fault.
As some of you read, you may think “Great, you have a name for what is going on. Now your family can get help.” Unfortunately, it is not as easy as that. There is no medication to help with this disorder like there is if she were bipolar, so the only hope would be counseling. However, people with NPD almost never admit they have a problem therefore they will never seek help. Since I am the scapegoat, if I ever confronted her with this my mother would say that I am the one with the problem, if only I would do things her way everything would be fine. As my father so nicely put it in a letter to me recently, I am just oversensitive.
What I have learned over the last month is that there are 3 options when it comes to NPD. The first is to continue on with the way things are and continue to be abused, the second is to limit the contact and the third is to stop all contact.
I’ve definitely spent a lot of time going back and forth between wanting limited contact and no contact. The main reason is my kids. My oldest son loves my parents dearly and I hate to take them away from him. However, I also don’t want my children to see their mother abused because I don’t feel that is healthy for them either. I kept thinking maybe there was some way to limit contact but still give my kids their grandparents. So in a futile attempt to try to mend and change things with my parents, I recently sent an email to my dad explaining how I was feeling and how I would like things to change. I knew that writing my feelings down was the only way I would have any hope of them actually hearing what I was saying.
Unfortunately, but as expected, the letter was not well received. They took the letter and tore it to shreds with their words. They turned everything around on me, blamed me for everything, came up with some pretty delusional scenarios, and never once acknowledged my feelings. The intent of their reply was to squash my feelings, make me feel inadequate, put me back in “my place” and have our relationship continue the way it has always been. That was the point that I decided no contact was the path I would like to pursue right now.
As I have learned this week, no contact is not quite as easy as it sounds. My parents are resisting my new stance. They have absolutely no respect for me or my family and, at this point, I am unsure how this will all play out. The anxiety over all of this is affecting me physically and that really worries me and makes me mad at the same time. I’m mad that their lack of respect and their need to abuse me is affecting me to the point of physical illness. I have children that I truly love and I want to be around for them and I know that this anxiety and my symptoms of anxiety are not good for my health at all. I just pray that this anxiety will lift soon.
The title to Casting Crowns’ song “I will praise you in this storm” keeps coming to my mind lately. Today while I was writing the 1st part of my blog entries I put some praise and worship music on and just praised the Lord because I can only get through this with God by my side. I am also thankful to the people God has placed in my life to help get me through this.
This is also another great song by Casting Crowns.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Facing My Giants- - Part 1 - - Realizing I need to break free
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - - His good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
This past Sunday at church, our pastor started a new series called “No Regrets”. His first sermon was on facing your giants. We all have giants in our lives at some point that hold us back from God’s will. As I sat there in church there was something weighing heavily on my mind as it had been for the last month or so. I knew that God was speaking to me through this sermon and that there is a giant in my life that has been holding me back for a long time.
Unfortunately, the giant is my life is my family. It has come to a point in my life where I can no longer conform to their idea of me and I need to step away. I need to heal emotionally and mentally from years of emotional and mental abuse and move forward, move towards God’s will for my life. I’m not even sure where I want to start but I need to start somewhere, which is where this blog comes into play. Hopefully I don’t go around in circles too many times.
Growing up I always felt “different”. I could never put my finger on it but I always felt like the black sheep of the family. In the English language, black sheep is a term used to describe someone who is odd or disreputable from the norm. Now for those of you who know me, you know that I don’t fit into that stereotypical “black sheep” definition, quite the opposite really, yet that is how I have always felt in my family. I always had a hard time understanding why I felt that way until recently.
On the outside looking in, we looked like a normal average middle class American family but being on the inside was such a different story. I really wish I would have journaled through those years growing up because so many of my memories have been blocked or forgotten so I didn’t have to deal with the realty of my family life.
Most of my life has been spent walking on eggshells around my mother. What was I going to do or say that would make her mad and set off her vengeance against me? For years I thought she was bipolar because of the way her mood could change from good to bad at the drop of a pin. You never knew what was going to set her off because she went off on things that most rational sane people wouldn’t. I can’t even recall examples of what set her off from my childhood, I just remember the rage. I do remember recent incidents in the last few years where she got into a fit of rage over throwing away spoiled ham from her refrigerator or because everyone finished dinner before her and we didn’t sit around the table waiting for her to finish before getting up.
It is kind of like that old game Minesweeper. No matter how careful you are, you think you are making all the right moves and the next step… BOOM! Not only do I have to worry about the blow up but then I have to figure out to fix everything and make her happy again. It is a very exhausting cycle and it is not normal at all to have to live like that.
It has taken me 15 years of life filled with anxiety and panic attacks to realize that she is the reason for my anxiety. Not only my childhood but my adulthood, thus far, has been spent in constant worry. This constant state of worry makes everyday tasks seem almost impossible because of this there are many things I have started but never finished and I am learning that this is all too common among people that have been treated like I have. I’ve lost so much of my life because of this anxiety and just the pure fear of the anxiety. You can’t live a normal life when you fear your own mother’s irrational rage because it spreads into every aspect of your life. The last few days as I find myself in the midst of a storm trying to face my giant, I keep reading Romans 12:2 and especially the first few words “Do not conform any longer”.
We are taught to love, obey, respect our parents but no one ever talks about what to do when you are not loved or respected in return. Sure, when it is a clear cut case of physical abuse it is probably generally acceptable in our society to stop contact with your parents. However, in cases like mine where the abuse was never physical but mental and emotional, you not only get judged by your family for trying to break free of the abuse but by society because they cannot see the pain that has been inflicted upon you over and over. Even though I know deep down that I deserve so much better, the guilt that has been instilled in me over the years makes it so hard to break away. However, now that I have a family of my own, I can no longer conform to society’s expectation of a relationship between myself and my family, nor can I conform to the person my family has tried to tell me I am all these years.
All my life I have been told “that’s good but you could have done better”, “That A- should have been an A+”, “Why did you do it that way? You should do it this way.” and etc. It never matter what I did or how I succeeded at it, it was never good enough. I’m very thankful for my relationship with the Lord, if it were not for my faith I don’t know what I would have become. As a teen, I thought so many times of rebelling against my parents but never did because I respected myself more than that. I wanted to be proud of myself even if I knew I could never please them. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming but it is time to step away and become all that God wants me to be and all that I know I can be when not being suppressed by my family.
Part 2 coming soon!
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
This past Sunday at church, our pastor started a new series called “No Regrets”. His first sermon was on facing your giants. We all have giants in our lives at some point that hold us back from God’s will. As I sat there in church there was something weighing heavily on my mind as it had been for the last month or so. I knew that God was speaking to me through this sermon and that there is a giant in my life that has been holding me back for a long time.
Unfortunately, the giant is my life is my family. It has come to a point in my life where I can no longer conform to their idea of me and I need to step away. I need to heal emotionally and mentally from years of emotional and mental abuse and move forward, move towards God’s will for my life. I’m not even sure where I want to start but I need to start somewhere, which is where this blog comes into play. Hopefully I don’t go around in circles too many times.
Growing up I always felt “different”. I could never put my finger on it but I always felt like the black sheep of the family. In the English language, black sheep is a term used to describe someone who is odd or disreputable from the norm. Now for those of you who know me, you know that I don’t fit into that stereotypical “black sheep” definition, quite the opposite really, yet that is how I have always felt in my family. I always had a hard time understanding why I felt that way until recently.
On the outside looking in, we looked like a normal average middle class American family but being on the inside was such a different story. I really wish I would have journaled through those years growing up because so many of my memories have been blocked or forgotten so I didn’t have to deal with the realty of my family life.
Most of my life has been spent walking on eggshells around my mother. What was I going to do or say that would make her mad and set off her vengeance against me? For years I thought she was bipolar because of the way her mood could change from good to bad at the drop of a pin. You never knew what was going to set her off because she went off on things that most rational sane people wouldn’t. I can’t even recall examples of what set her off from my childhood, I just remember the rage. I do remember recent incidents in the last few years where she got into a fit of rage over throwing away spoiled ham from her refrigerator or because everyone finished dinner before her and we didn’t sit around the table waiting for her to finish before getting up.
It is kind of like that old game Minesweeper. No matter how careful you are, you think you are making all the right moves and the next step… BOOM! Not only do I have to worry about the blow up but then I have to figure out to fix everything and make her happy again. It is a very exhausting cycle and it is not normal at all to have to live like that.
It has taken me 15 years of life filled with anxiety and panic attacks to realize that she is the reason for my anxiety. Not only my childhood but my adulthood, thus far, has been spent in constant worry. This constant state of worry makes everyday tasks seem almost impossible because of this there are many things I have started but never finished and I am learning that this is all too common among people that have been treated like I have. I’ve lost so much of my life because of this anxiety and just the pure fear of the anxiety. You can’t live a normal life when you fear your own mother’s irrational rage because it spreads into every aspect of your life. The last few days as I find myself in the midst of a storm trying to face my giant, I keep reading Romans 12:2 and especially the first few words “Do not conform any longer”.
We are taught to love, obey, respect our parents but no one ever talks about what to do when you are not loved or respected in return. Sure, when it is a clear cut case of physical abuse it is probably generally acceptable in our society to stop contact with your parents. However, in cases like mine where the abuse was never physical but mental and emotional, you not only get judged by your family for trying to break free of the abuse but by society because they cannot see the pain that has been inflicted upon you over and over. Even though I know deep down that I deserve so much better, the guilt that has been instilled in me over the years makes it so hard to break away. However, now that I have a family of my own, I can no longer conform to society’s expectation of a relationship between myself and my family, nor can I conform to the person my family has tried to tell me I am all these years.
All my life I have been told “that’s good but you could have done better”, “That A- should have been an A+”, “Why did you do it that way? You should do it this way.” and etc. It never matter what I did or how I succeeded at it, it was never good enough. I’m very thankful for my relationship with the Lord, if it were not for my faith I don’t know what I would have become. As a teen, I thought so many times of rebelling against my parents but never did because I respected myself more than that. I wanted to be proud of myself even if I knew I could never please them. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming but it is time to step away and become all that God wants me to be and all that I know I can be when not being suppressed by my family.
Part 2 coming soon!
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