Narcissism: The Scapegoat's Life

It has been a very eventful weekend on the war front with my mom. She still cannot admit to do anything wrong and continues to believe that if I would just apologize to her that things would go back to the way things were. She is so angry and bitter that I am not allowing her to abuse me anymore. Not to mention she is very jealous. Jealous of my inlaws, jealous of my newborn son...yes, a 56 year old woman is jealous of a 3 month old!

I received a very nasty voice mail from my mom on Saturday afternoon.  

*I have removed the copy of the voice mail from this post for various reasons.*

The voice mail was horrendous, just a pattern of things that have happened all my life.  Sure there are times when things are good but watch out when they are not. She has no problem calling me every name in the book and blaming me for everything she has ever done wrong or everything that is not going right in her life.

She loved to name call when I was growing up, "wicked witch" was one of her favorites. When she was mad, she would also say to me "I love you but I don't like you". I understand that kids can do things you don't like but to tell them you don't like them is just wrong. I could never imagine telling either one of my kids that I don't like them. Children are such a precious gift from God and should be treated as such.

There were also times she would threaten to send me away to a girl's home. Now some of you might be thinking to yourself, "What did she do to deserve that treatment? She must have been a bad kid". The thing is, I wasn't a bad kid at all. Sure I wasn't perfect but I was normal. I made good grades in school, studied hard, stayed out of trouble but when I stepped into my home, the place I was supposed to be loved the most, I was treated like an outcast or some deviant.

When I was a teenager, I remember having to get up at 5am to get ready for school, so by the time I got home in the afternoon I was tired and wanted to nap. My mom would accuse me of being on drugs because I was napping. I literally could do nothing right.

I have really been fighting myself internally over whether or not I wanted to keep my parents in my children's life or not. However, after this message and after she posted on Facebook again blaming me for everything and then threatening to call CPS because Mason's bed time routine starts at 6:30pm, I really don't think it is in the best interest of my children for them to see their grandmother. I especially don't feel they should be alone with her. It is definitely something I will continue to be praying about.

Today at church we had a wonderful sermon in Pastor Kerry's No Regrets series called Lord of the Dance. After everything this weekend, one passage really stuck out to me.

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.

Luke 9:51 (NIV)

The reason it sticks out to me is that I have been through so much abuse at the hands of my parents and even though I am mourning the loss of what I wish my parents would have been or should be, I know that God loves me and is bringing me through this. For that, I will dance and have joy in my heart.

How to proceed forward

The last week or two has been very challenging. Over a month ago, I sat down and wrote a letter to my parents telling them how I had been feeling and how I would like for things to change. To sum it up, they replied telling me I was oversensitive and then turned everything else around on me, name calling included.

Since last week my mom has been calling me, texting me, emailing me all in an attempt to get me to go back to the way things were. She has been very disrespectful of me and my family, written judgmental things about me on Facebook for everyone to see, shown up at my house unannounced and even stooped so far as dragging my son's soccer coach into this mess by asking him to email her information about the soccer games!

After receiving an email from her today, again placing blame on me and then ending with "but I love you", I am sitting here trying to figure out where to go from here.

The bible verse for this weeks No Regrets Challenge at church is:

Proverbs 3:5-10

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.

Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!

Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the bets.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.

Just when I was sitting here thinking, "What am I going to do? How to I proceed from here?" My mind went to this weeks Bible verse. I need to seek Him in how to proceed. I need to keep myself focused on Him at all times and even though this is a big huge mess right now, I know that He will bring me through as long as I let him have control.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, trying to figure everything out on our own that we forget to stop and seek his guidance and let him lead us at all times.