Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - - His good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
This past Sunday at church, our pastor started a new series called “No Regrets”. His first sermon was on facing your giants. We all have giants in our lives at some point that hold us back from God’s will. As I sat there in church there was something weighing heavily on my mind as it had been for the last month or so. I knew that God was speaking to me through this sermon and that there is a giant in my life that has been holding me back for a long time.
Unfortunately, the giant is my life is my family. It has come to a point in my life where I can no longer conform to their idea of me and I need to step away. I need to heal emotionally and mentally from years of emotional and mental abuse and move forward, move towards God’s will for my life. I’m not even sure where I want to start but I need to start somewhere, which is where this blog comes into play. Hopefully I don’t go around in circles too many times.
Growing up I always felt “different”. I could never put my finger on it but I always felt like the black sheep of the family. In the English language, black sheep is a term used to describe someone who is odd or disreputable from the norm. Now for those of you who know me, you know that I don’t fit into that stereotypical “black sheep” definition, quite the opposite really, yet that is how I have always felt in my family. I always had a hard time understanding why I felt that way until recently.
On the outside looking in, we looked like a normal average middle class American family but being on the inside was such a different story. I really wish I would have journaled through those years growing up because so many of my memories have been blocked or forgotten so I didn’t have to deal with the realty of my family life.
Most of my life has been spent walking on eggshells around my mother. What was I going to do or say that would make her mad and set off her vengeance against me? For years I thought she was bipolar because of the way her mood could change from good to bad at the drop of a pin. You never knew what was going to set her off because she went off on things that most rational sane people wouldn’t. I can’t even recall examples of what set her off from my childhood, I just remember the rage. I do remember recent incidents in the last few years where she got into a fit of rage over throwing away spoiled ham from her refrigerator or because everyone finished dinner before her and we didn’t sit around the table waiting for her to finish before getting up.
It is kind of like that old game Minesweeper. No matter how careful you are, you think you are making all the right moves and the next step… BOOM! Not only do I have to worry about the blow up but then I have to figure out to fix everything and make her happy again. It is a very exhausting cycle and it is not normal at all to have to live like that.
It has taken me 15 years of life filled with anxiety and panic attacks to realize that she is the reason for my anxiety. Not only my childhood but my adulthood, thus far, has been spent in constant worry. This constant state of worry makes everyday tasks seem almost impossible because of this there are many things I have started but never finished and I am learning that this is all too common among people that have been treated like I have. I’ve lost so much of my life because of this anxiety and just the pure fear of the anxiety. You can’t live a normal life when you fear your own mother’s irrational rage because it spreads into every aspect of your life. The last few days as I find myself in the midst of a storm trying to face my giant, I keep reading Romans 12:2 and especially the first few words “Do not conform any longer”.
We are taught to love, obey, respect our parents but no one ever talks about what to do when you are not loved or respected in return. Sure, when it is a clear cut case of physical abuse it is probably generally acceptable in our society to stop contact with your parents. However, in cases like mine where the abuse was never physical but mental and emotional, you not only get judged by your family for trying to break free of the abuse but by society because they cannot see the pain that has been inflicted upon you over and over. Even though I know deep down that I deserve so much better, the guilt that has been instilled in me over the years makes it so hard to break away. However, now that I have a family of my own, I can no longer conform to society’s expectation of a relationship between myself and my family, nor can I conform to the person my family has tried to tell me I am all these years.
All my life I have been told “that’s good but you could have done better”, “That A- should have been an A+”, “Why did you do it that way? You should do it this way.” and etc. It never matter what I did or how I succeeded at it, it was never good enough. I’m very thankful for my relationship with the Lord, if it were not for my faith I don’t know what I would have become. As a teen, I thought so many times of rebelling against my parents but never did because I respected myself more than that. I wanted to be proud of myself even if I knew I could never please them. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming but it is time to step away and become all that God wants me to be and all that I know I can be when not being suppressed by my family.
Part 2 coming soon!
1 comment:
My mother is bi-polar as well and won't admit it and doesn't see it. One of the greatest things that has helped me is reading "Boundaries" and "Codependent No More". I lived my life for my mother to keep her happy so she wouldn't end up in the mental hospital again. So in turn I ended up going insane and not having any clue who I was. It's hard to be selfish and not look out for her best interest. It's a new era in our lives Brit and I will help you all I can. You're one of the strongest people I know. Love you girly.
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