Where was God through all of this?

Obviously, I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last week and even though I have many questions for God, I've been wondering to myself "Why am I not mad at God?" It's a common feeling to have and maybe I'll be mad at him later, but my feelings are really peaceful when it comes to God.

As I think back on the last year, I can't help but wonder and believe if this miscarriage has been a part of God's plan for my life all along. I obviously have the question of "Why was it part of the plan for my life?" However, I can see God's finger prints all over my life in the last year as he moved me into position for this to happen.

In February/March, when I was going through the 1st very early miscarriage, I was very displeased with my then doctor's office. In April, I had an ovarian cyst that sent me to the hospital because I was in so much pain. My then doctor refused to answer her pages from the hospital, even though she was on call that day. It took over 2 hours for her to call back and she only called back after *I* called the answering service to have them send a message from me.

During that same time period, I had met a woman on an online message board that happened to be an RN at Tomball Hospital. When the incident happened at the ER with my then doctor, she told me that from everything she had seen and heard working at Tomball Hospital, she highly recommended Dr. Davidson, a new Ob/gyn in Tomball. I immediately switched to Dr. Davidson's practice the week after the ER incident.

I wonder, had I not changed doctors, would I have gotten such great care when I went to the ER during the miscarriage? I would have been at a different hospital, one in which the recovery nurse from the D&C said that they had made her sit in the waiting room for a long period of time while she was miscarrying, even though she WORKED at that hospital at the time! I would have had a different doctor, whom may or may not have answered her pages from the hospital had she been on call that weekend. What would the outcome have been in that scenario?

During the pregnancy, when I was making my appointment for my 10 week appointment, they had asked to set it up for a Friday, because my son is in Mother's Day Out on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I always try to set my appointments on those days. So I had them set it up for a Thursday instead. I believe God gave me this last appointment to see the baby alive, had I went on that Friday, it is quite likely we wouldn't have seen the baby alive that one last time.

Sure, if I would have known then, I would already be 3-4 weeks into recovery but I wouldn't have that one last memory. Also, since the doctors in Tomball rotate whose on-call at the hospital, my doctor wouldn't have been on call that weekend following my 10 week appointment and would I have gotten such great care with a different doctor had I started to miscarry on my own like I did this past weekend?

These are just things I've been pondering on all week. How can I be mad at God when I really feel God was with me, not just during this miscarriage but this whole year? Even though he didn't do what I would have wanted him to do, he WAS with me. I see that and I love that.

Today when I was walking at the YMCA and listening to Pandora on my phone, Casting Crown's "Praise you in this storm" came on and it just hit me in the heart. I've always loved this song but it's never meant so much to me as it does now. I'll end this post with a video of this amazing song.