It has been over 2 years since my last post. So much has gone on and so much is going on in my life. I am still holding strong with no contact of my parents. I have been able to slowly start healing, growing, sorting through all the lies they told me about myself and becoming the person I was meant to be.
In the midst all of this growth and change I began to realize that my marriage wasn't all it should be. I have tried to make things better in the wrong ways. I have made mistakes, I am not without fault. I have also tried to make things better in the right ways but to no avail.
However, it has boiled down to my husband walking away from our family and the life we built over the last 12 years. He has chosen not love me. He can't see how choosing to love me and acting in love would bring back all those feelings we used to have and allow God to heal us individually, heal us as a couple and heal us as a family. It kills me to hear of how God can save marriages and relationships and we just have to step in faith towards that goal but he refuses to take that step.
The hurt and pain of knowing that the person who promised to love me just walked away without a care in the world is indescribable. I don't understand how you can be with someone so long, have children with them, and not care at all. The pain and the tears can be on my face and he can walk away, show no emotion like he is passing a stranger on the street.
Some days I question, who is this man? Is this the same man I married? Was I blinded by the chaos my parents created in my life?
On top of the pain I feel for myself, I feel so sad for my kids. They deserve so much better than this. It kills me to know the struggles and heartache this will cause them growing up and that there is nothing I can do to change things. I have tried so hard, just to be ignored.
I have kept this all in for a long time. Ashamed of my circumstances. Ashamed to let others in and know what is going on. Pretending everything is ok. I am going to be struggling for a long time with this. I know my reactions to his abandonment will not be rational or ladylike or even Christ like.
I just ask that if you read this that you will say a prayer for me and my family. I can only go through this with Christ's strength. I wouldn't be able to get out of bed if it weren't for the love and strength of Christ surrounding me.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Insanity and defining love
I have a few things going through my mind right now that I would like to write about. I hope that I can keep them straight!
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
The last few weeks I have been seeing this quote on Facebook and I liked it but it wasn't until today that I realized why I liked it so much. Last month when I wrote a letter to my parents, I said that I would like some space and *I* would contact them when I was ready to talk. The first two weeks I didn't hear anything from them then the third week I started getting daily text messages from my mom saying "I love you" and different variants of that.
I then went to my mobile carrier and had her cell phone and home phone blocked from contacting my phone. Then I received a voice mail from her calling from her work. She said that if someone in our family died that she wouldn't come to my house to tell me since I blocked her phone number from my phone. Falling into the consistency of trying to guilt me into talking to her.
Things were quiet for about another two weeks then today I got three voice mails from her. She wanted to know why I was doing this to her and saying that she didn't do anything wrong. She basically told me I was going to hell and asked me how I could sit in church knowing what I was doing to her. She told me how she would now be able to spend all her money on my brother's future child since I won't let her see my kids and how I am hurting my kids by doing this to her. I think the best one is that God has told her that she won't be seeing my kids for a long time... oh, and of course she "loves" me.
Yep, now I know why I like that quote so much. For the past three months my mother has consistently blamed me for the consequences of her actions, denied her actions, and tried to make me feel guilty. At some point you would think she would say to herself "hmm...this isn't working, maybe I should try a different approach."
She is right, it probably will be a long time before she sees my kids and it all falls on her shoulders. Until she accepts responsibility for her actions, owns up to her actions, and privately and publicly apologizes for her actions and the lies she has spread about me on Facebook (and I am sure to anyone she talks to), nope she won't be seeing my kids.
What is sad, yet comical, is that she keeps acting as though she is in the dark of what she has done. The truth is, I have laid it out to her in the simplest terms and yet she ignores what I told her.
Defining Love
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-6
Sunday at church, Pastor Kerry started a new series called "Stolen" and about how Satan is here to steal, kill and destroy. The first sermon was on "reclaiming love" and in the sermon he talked about 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. Buried in those verses is the definition of love.
It really stuck out to me and the situation with my mother. She keeps saying she loves me, yet I don't see any of the things defined as love in her "love" for me.
As Pastor Kerry said, "Love comes alive with action and adventure." Love is not talk, it is action. She can tell me she loves me until she is blue in the face but until she actually acts with love will it ever really be love.
In the end, "love is all that lasts" (Pastor Kerry) and for me, I want my children to know how much I loved them through my actions. I pray that my actions never show anything but love for my kids. I don't want my words of love to ever be empty to them.
I will leave you with a video of Pastor Kerry's sermon from Sunday. So powerful!
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
The last few weeks I have been seeing this quote on Facebook and I liked it but it wasn't until today that I realized why I liked it so much. Last month when I wrote a letter to my parents, I said that I would like some space and *I* would contact them when I was ready to talk. The first two weeks I didn't hear anything from them then the third week I started getting daily text messages from my mom saying "I love you" and different variants of that.
I then went to my mobile carrier and had her cell phone and home phone blocked from contacting my phone. Then I received a voice mail from her calling from her work. She said that if someone in our family died that she wouldn't come to my house to tell me since I blocked her phone number from my phone. Falling into the consistency of trying to guilt me into talking to her.
Things were quiet for about another two weeks then today I got three voice mails from her. She wanted to know why I was doing this to her and saying that she didn't do anything wrong. She basically told me I was going to hell and asked me how I could sit in church knowing what I was doing to her. She told me how she would now be able to spend all her money on my brother's future child since I won't let her see my kids and how I am hurting my kids by doing this to her. I think the best one is that God has told her that she won't be seeing my kids for a long time... oh, and of course she "loves" me.
Yep, now I know why I like that quote so much. For the past three months my mother has consistently blamed me for the consequences of her actions, denied her actions, and tried to make me feel guilty. At some point you would think she would say to herself "hmm...this isn't working, maybe I should try a different approach."
She is right, it probably will be a long time before she sees my kids and it all falls on her shoulders. Until she accepts responsibility for her actions, owns up to her actions, and privately and publicly apologizes for her actions and the lies she has spread about me on Facebook (and I am sure to anyone she talks to), nope she won't be seeing my kids.
What is sad, yet comical, is that she keeps acting as though she is in the dark of what she has done. The truth is, I have laid it out to her in the simplest terms and yet she ignores what I told her.
Defining Love
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-6
Sunday at church, Pastor Kerry started a new series called "Stolen" and about how Satan is here to steal, kill and destroy. The first sermon was on "reclaiming love" and in the sermon he talked about 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. Buried in those verses is the definition of love.
It really stuck out to me and the situation with my mother. She keeps saying she loves me, yet I don't see any of the things defined as love in her "love" for me.
As Pastor Kerry said, "Love comes alive with action and adventure." Love is not talk, it is action. She can tell me she loves me until she is blue in the face but until she actually acts with love will it ever really be love.
In the end, "love is all that lasts" (Pastor Kerry) and for me, I want my children to know how much I loved them through my actions. I pray that my actions never show anything but love for my kids. I don't want my words of love to ever be empty to them.
I will leave you with a video of Pastor Kerry's sermon from Sunday. So powerful!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Narcissism: The Scapegoat's Life
It has been a very eventful weekend on the war front with my mom. She still cannot admit to do anything wrong and continues to believe that if I would just apologize to her that things would go back to the way things were. She is so angry and bitter that I am not allowing her to abuse me anymore. Not to mention she is very jealous. Jealous of my inlaws, jealous of my newborn son...yes, a 56 year old woman is jealous of a 3 month old!
I received a very nasty voice mail from my mom on Saturday afternoon.
*I have removed the copy of the voice mail from this post for various reasons.*
The voice mail was horrendous, just a pattern of things that have happened all my life. Sure there are times when things are good but watch out when they are not. She has no problem calling me every name in the book and blaming me for everything she has ever done wrong or everything that is not going right in her life.
She loved to name call when I was growing up, "wicked witch" was one of her favorites. When she was mad, she would also say to me "I love you but I don't like you". I understand that kids can do things you don't like but to tell them you don't like them is just wrong. I could never imagine telling either one of my kids that I don't like them. Children are such a precious gift from God and should be treated as such.
There were also times she would threaten to send me away to a girl's home. Now some of you might be thinking to yourself, "What did she do to deserve that treatment? She must have been a bad kid". The thing is, I wasn't a bad kid at all. Sure I wasn't perfect but I was normal. I made good grades in school, studied hard, stayed out of trouble but when I stepped into my home, the place I was supposed to be loved the most, I was treated like an outcast or some deviant.
When I was a teenager, I remember having to get up at 5am to get ready for school, so by the time I got home in the afternoon I was tired and wanted to nap. My mom would accuse me of being on drugs because I was napping. I literally could do nothing right.
I have really been fighting myself internally over whether or not I wanted to keep my parents in my children's life or not. However, after this message and after she posted on Facebook again blaming me for everything and then threatening to call CPS because Mason's bed time routine starts at 6:30pm, I really don't think it is in the best interest of my children for them to see their grandmother. I especially don't feel they should be alone with her. It is definitely something I will continue to be praying about.
Today at church we had a wonderful sermon in Pastor Kerry's No Regrets series called Lord of the Dance. After everything this weekend, one passage really stuck out to me.
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.
Luke 9:51 (NIV)
The reason it sticks out to me is that I have been through so much abuse at the hands of my parents and even though I am mourning the loss of what I wish my parents would have been or should be, I know that God loves me and is bringing me through this. For that, I will dance and have joy in my heart.
I received a very nasty voice mail from my mom on Saturday afternoon.
*I have removed the copy of the voice mail from this post for various reasons.*
The voice mail was horrendous, just a pattern of things that have happened all my life. Sure there are times when things are good but watch out when they are not. She has no problem calling me every name in the book and blaming me for everything she has ever done wrong or everything that is not going right in her life.
She loved to name call when I was growing up, "wicked witch" was one of her favorites. When she was mad, she would also say to me "I love you but I don't like you". I understand that kids can do things you don't like but to tell them you don't like them is just wrong. I could never imagine telling either one of my kids that I don't like them. Children are such a precious gift from God and should be treated as such.
There were also times she would threaten to send me away to a girl's home. Now some of you might be thinking to yourself, "What did she do to deserve that treatment? She must have been a bad kid". The thing is, I wasn't a bad kid at all. Sure I wasn't perfect but I was normal. I made good grades in school, studied hard, stayed out of trouble but when I stepped into my home, the place I was supposed to be loved the most, I was treated like an outcast or some deviant.
When I was a teenager, I remember having to get up at 5am to get ready for school, so by the time I got home in the afternoon I was tired and wanted to nap. My mom would accuse me of being on drugs because I was napping. I literally could do nothing right.
I have really been fighting myself internally over whether or not I wanted to keep my parents in my children's life or not. However, after this message and after she posted on Facebook again blaming me for everything and then threatening to call CPS because Mason's bed time routine starts at 6:30pm, I really don't think it is in the best interest of my children for them to see their grandmother. I especially don't feel they should be alone with her. It is definitely something I will continue to be praying about.
Today at church we had a wonderful sermon in Pastor Kerry's No Regrets series called Lord of the Dance. After everything this weekend, one passage really stuck out to me.
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.
Luke 9:51 (NIV)
The reason it sticks out to me is that I have been through so much abuse at the hands of my parents and even though I am mourning the loss of what I wish my parents would have been or should be, I know that God loves me and is bringing me through this. For that, I will dance and have joy in my heart.
Friday, March 2, 2012
How to proceed forward
The last week or two has been very challenging. Over a month ago, I sat down and wrote a letter to my parents telling them how I had been feeling and how I would like for things to change. To sum it up, they replied telling me I was oversensitive and then turned everything else around on me, name calling included.
Since last week my mom has been calling me, texting me, emailing me all in an attempt to get me to go back to the way things were. She has been very disrespectful of me and my family, written judgmental things about me on Facebook for everyone to see, shown up at my house unannounced and even stooped so far as dragging my son's soccer coach into this mess by asking him to email her information about the soccer games!
After receiving an email from her today, again placing blame on me and then ending with "but I love you", I am sitting here trying to figure out where to go from here.
The bible verse for this weeks No Regrets Challenge at church is:
Just when I was sitting here thinking, "What am I going to do? How to I proceed from here?" My mind went to this weeks Bible verse. I need to seek Him in how to proceed. I need to keep myself focused on Him at all times and even though this is a big huge mess right now, I know that He will bring me through as long as I let him have control.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, trying to figure everything out on our own that we forget to stop and seek his guidance and let him lead us at all times.
Since last week my mom has been calling me, texting me, emailing me all in an attempt to get me to go back to the way things were. She has been very disrespectful of me and my family, written judgmental things about me on Facebook for everyone to see, shown up at my house unannounced and even stooped so far as dragging my son's soccer coach into this mess by asking him to email her information about the soccer games!
After receiving an email from her today, again placing blame on me and then ending with "but I love you", I am sitting here trying to figure out where to go from here.
The bible verse for this weeks No Regrets Challenge at church is:
Proverbs 3:5-10
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the bets.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
Just when I was sitting here thinking, "What am I going to do? How to I proceed from here?" My mind went to this weeks Bible verse. I need to seek Him in how to proceed. I need to keep myself focused on Him at all times and even though this is a big huge mess right now, I know that He will bring me through as long as I let him have control.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, trying to figure everything out on our own that we forget to stop and seek his guidance and let him lead us at all times.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Facing My Giants - - Part 2 - - So there is a name for it
I mentioned in Part 1 that I always thought my mother was bipolar. She’s never been diagnosed with any mental disorders formally but I always knew there was something wrong. In the last few years I have become friends with an amazing group of women online. It is amazing the bond you can have with women you have never met in real life and how you can relate to each other and help each other through all areas of life. During the last few months I have had some difficulty dealing with my parents, obviously, and when I vented to these women one particular woman came forward with a link for me to read. I opened the page and kind of glanced at it but didn’t take the time to read it right away.
Another week or so had gone by and things were getting more difficult with my mom and I just had this gnawing feeling that I needed to go look at that link, I needed to sit down and really read it. So I did and I finally not only found a name for what my mom has but I was given the answers to what has been happening to me all my life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - - this is what has been abusing me for the past 32 years. I am a daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. Wow, there it is. It’s been a month since I read that link and I am still on an emotional roller coaster over this new finding.
One of the pages describes the characteristics of narcissistic mothers and it was like someone had been watching my life and taking notes. It was so surreal and even now it is surreal to me. All these years I had thought there was something wrong and to finally have a name for it was uplifting yet discouraging at the same time.
This is the page describing the characteristics of narcissistic mothers. I would love to list them here but this website goes into great detail and I don’t believe I am allowed to just copy and paste it here, so I will link it.
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html
NPD doesn’t just affect the person with the disorder, it affects the whole family. In my family’s case my father is an enabler, as are most husbands with wives with NPD. He enables my mother and feeds into her NPD. In the last few years I have found that not only does he enable her but he has become more and more like her to the point that I don’t even recognize him anymore. To the point that you can almost see the joy on his face when he is using his words to abuse me. Then there is the aspect of the children (me and my brother). As in a classic case of NPD, my brother is the “golden child”, in this case no matter what he does wrong (because let’s face it, he’s pretty screwed up) he is never actually wrong and I am the “scapegoat”, no matter what I do, I am wrong, and no matter what happens, it is my fault.
As some of you read, you may think “Great, you have a name for what is going on. Now your family can get help.” Unfortunately, it is not as easy as that. There is no medication to help with this disorder like there is if she were bipolar, so the only hope would be counseling. However, people with NPD almost never admit they have a problem therefore they will never seek help. Since I am the scapegoat, if I ever confronted her with this my mother would say that I am the one with the problem, if only I would do things her way everything would be fine. As my father so nicely put it in a letter to me recently, I am just oversensitive.
What I have learned over the last month is that there are 3 options when it comes to NPD. The first is to continue on with the way things are and continue to be abused, the second is to limit the contact and the third is to stop all contact.
I’ve definitely spent a lot of time going back and forth between wanting limited contact and no contact. The main reason is my kids. My oldest son loves my parents dearly and I hate to take them away from him. However, I also don’t want my children to see their mother abused because I don’t feel that is healthy for them either. I kept thinking maybe there was some way to limit contact but still give my kids their grandparents. So in a futile attempt to try to mend and change things with my parents, I recently sent an email to my dad explaining how I was feeling and how I would like things to change. I knew that writing my feelings down was the only way I would have any hope of them actually hearing what I was saying.
Unfortunately, but as expected, the letter was not well received. They took the letter and tore it to shreds with their words. They turned everything around on me, blamed me for everything, came up with some pretty delusional scenarios, and never once acknowledged my feelings. The intent of their reply was to squash my feelings, make me feel inadequate, put me back in “my place” and have our relationship continue the way it has always been. That was the point that I decided no contact was the path I would like to pursue right now.
As I have learned this week, no contact is not quite as easy as it sounds. My parents are resisting my new stance. They have absolutely no respect for me or my family and, at this point, I am unsure how this will all play out. The anxiety over all of this is affecting me physically and that really worries me and makes me mad at the same time. I’m mad that their lack of respect and their need to abuse me is affecting me to the point of physical illness. I have children that I truly love and I want to be around for them and I know that this anxiety and my symptoms of anxiety are not good for my health at all. I just pray that this anxiety will lift soon.
The title to Casting Crowns’ song “I will praise you in this storm” keeps coming to my mind lately. Today while I was writing the 1st part of my blog entries I put some praise and worship music on and just praised the Lord because I can only get through this with God by my side. I am also thankful to the people God has placed in my life to help get me through this.
This is also another great song by Casting Crowns.
Another week or so had gone by and things were getting more difficult with my mom and I just had this gnawing feeling that I needed to go look at that link, I needed to sit down and really read it. So I did and I finally not only found a name for what my mom has but I was given the answers to what has been happening to me all my life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - - this is what has been abusing me for the past 32 years. I am a daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. Wow, there it is. It’s been a month since I read that link and I am still on an emotional roller coaster over this new finding.
One of the pages describes the characteristics of narcissistic mothers and it was like someone had been watching my life and taking notes. It was so surreal and even now it is surreal to me. All these years I had thought there was something wrong and to finally have a name for it was uplifting yet discouraging at the same time.
This is the page describing the characteristics of narcissistic mothers. I would love to list them here but this website goes into great detail and I don’t believe I am allowed to just copy and paste it here, so I will link it.
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html
NPD doesn’t just affect the person with the disorder, it affects the whole family. In my family’s case my father is an enabler, as are most husbands with wives with NPD. He enables my mother and feeds into her NPD. In the last few years I have found that not only does he enable her but he has become more and more like her to the point that I don’t even recognize him anymore. To the point that you can almost see the joy on his face when he is using his words to abuse me. Then there is the aspect of the children (me and my brother). As in a classic case of NPD, my brother is the “golden child”, in this case no matter what he does wrong (because let’s face it, he’s pretty screwed up) he is never actually wrong and I am the “scapegoat”, no matter what I do, I am wrong, and no matter what happens, it is my fault.
As some of you read, you may think “Great, you have a name for what is going on. Now your family can get help.” Unfortunately, it is not as easy as that. There is no medication to help with this disorder like there is if she were bipolar, so the only hope would be counseling. However, people with NPD almost never admit they have a problem therefore they will never seek help. Since I am the scapegoat, if I ever confronted her with this my mother would say that I am the one with the problem, if only I would do things her way everything would be fine. As my father so nicely put it in a letter to me recently, I am just oversensitive.
What I have learned over the last month is that there are 3 options when it comes to NPD. The first is to continue on with the way things are and continue to be abused, the second is to limit the contact and the third is to stop all contact.
I’ve definitely spent a lot of time going back and forth between wanting limited contact and no contact. The main reason is my kids. My oldest son loves my parents dearly and I hate to take them away from him. However, I also don’t want my children to see their mother abused because I don’t feel that is healthy for them either. I kept thinking maybe there was some way to limit contact but still give my kids their grandparents. So in a futile attempt to try to mend and change things with my parents, I recently sent an email to my dad explaining how I was feeling and how I would like things to change. I knew that writing my feelings down was the only way I would have any hope of them actually hearing what I was saying.
Unfortunately, but as expected, the letter was not well received. They took the letter and tore it to shreds with their words. They turned everything around on me, blamed me for everything, came up with some pretty delusional scenarios, and never once acknowledged my feelings. The intent of their reply was to squash my feelings, make me feel inadequate, put me back in “my place” and have our relationship continue the way it has always been. That was the point that I decided no contact was the path I would like to pursue right now.
As I have learned this week, no contact is not quite as easy as it sounds. My parents are resisting my new stance. They have absolutely no respect for me or my family and, at this point, I am unsure how this will all play out. The anxiety over all of this is affecting me physically and that really worries me and makes me mad at the same time. I’m mad that their lack of respect and their need to abuse me is affecting me to the point of physical illness. I have children that I truly love and I want to be around for them and I know that this anxiety and my symptoms of anxiety are not good for my health at all. I just pray that this anxiety will lift soon.
The title to Casting Crowns’ song “I will praise you in this storm” keeps coming to my mind lately. Today while I was writing the 1st part of my blog entries I put some praise and worship music on and just praised the Lord because I can only get through this with God by my side. I am also thankful to the people God has placed in my life to help get me through this.
This is also another great song by Casting Crowns.
Facing My Giants- - Part 1 - - Realizing I need to break free
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - - His good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
This past Sunday at church, our pastor started a new series called “No Regrets”. His first sermon was on facing your giants. We all have giants in our lives at some point that hold us back from God’s will. As I sat there in church there was something weighing heavily on my mind as it had been for the last month or so. I knew that God was speaking to me through this sermon and that there is a giant in my life that has been holding me back for a long time.
Unfortunately, the giant is my life is my family. It has come to a point in my life where I can no longer conform to their idea of me and I need to step away. I need to heal emotionally and mentally from years of emotional and mental abuse and move forward, move towards God’s will for my life. I’m not even sure where I want to start but I need to start somewhere, which is where this blog comes into play. Hopefully I don’t go around in circles too many times.
Growing up I always felt “different”. I could never put my finger on it but I always felt like the black sheep of the family. In the English language, black sheep is a term used to describe someone who is odd or disreputable from the norm. Now for those of you who know me, you know that I don’t fit into that stereotypical “black sheep” definition, quite the opposite really, yet that is how I have always felt in my family. I always had a hard time understanding why I felt that way until recently.
On the outside looking in, we looked like a normal average middle class American family but being on the inside was such a different story. I really wish I would have journaled through those years growing up because so many of my memories have been blocked or forgotten so I didn’t have to deal with the realty of my family life.
Most of my life has been spent walking on eggshells around my mother. What was I going to do or say that would make her mad and set off her vengeance against me? For years I thought she was bipolar because of the way her mood could change from good to bad at the drop of a pin. You never knew what was going to set her off because she went off on things that most rational sane people wouldn’t. I can’t even recall examples of what set her off from my childhood, I just remember the rage. I do remember recent incidents in the last few years where she got into a fit of rage over throwing away spoiled ham from her refrigerator or because everyone finished dinner before her and we didn’t sit around the table waiting for her to finish before getting up.
It is kind of like that old game Minesweeper. No matter how careful you are, you think you are making all the right moves and the next step… BOOM! Not only do I have to worry about the blow up but then I have to figure out to fix everything and make her happy again. It is a very exhausting cycle and it is not normal at all to have to live like that.
It has taken me 15 years of life filled with anxiety and panic attacks to realize that she is the reason for my anxiety. Not only my childhood but my adulthood, thus far, has been spent in constant worry. This constant state of worry makes everyday tasks seem almost impossible because of this there are many things I have started but never finished and I am learning that this is all too common among people that have been treated like I have. I’ve lost so much of my life because of this anxiety and just the pure fear of the anxiety. You can’t live a normal life when you fear your own mother’s irrational rage because it spreads into every aspect of your life. The last few days as I find myself in the midst of a storm trying to face my giant, I keep reading Romans 12:2 and especially the first few words “Do not conform any longer”.
We are taught to love, obey, respect our parents but no one ever talks about what to do when you are not loved or respected in return. Sure, when it is a clear cut case of physical abuse it is probably generally acceptable in our society to stop contact with your parents. However, in cases like mine where the abuse was never physical but mental and emotional, you not only get judged by your family for trying to break free of the abuse but by society because they cannot see the pain that has been inflicted upon you over and over. Even though I know deep down that I deserve so much better, the guilt that has been instilled in me over the years makes it so hard to break away. However, now that I have a family of my own, I can no longer conform to society’s expectation of a relationship between myself and my family, nor can I conform to the person my family has tried to tell me I am all these years.
All my life I have been told “that’s good but you could have done better”, “That A- should have been an A+”, “Why did you do it that way? You should do it this way.” and etc. It never matter what I did or how I succeeded at it, it was never good enough. I’m very thankful for my relationship with the Lord, if it were not for my faith I don’t know what I would have become. As a teen, I thought so many times of rebelling against my parents but never did because I respected myself more than that. I wanted to be proud of myself even if I knew I could never please them. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming but it is time to step away and become all that God wants me to be and all that I know I can be when not being suppressed by my family.
Part 2 coming soon!
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
This past Sunday at church, our pastor started a new series called “No Regrets”. His first sermon was on facing your giants. We all have giants in our lives at some point that hold us back from God’s will. As I sat there in church there was something weighing heavily on my mind as it had been for the last month or so. I knew that God was speaking to me through this sermon and that there is a giant in my life that has been holding me back for a long time.
Unfortunately, the giant is my life is my family. It has come to a point in my life where I can no longer conform to their idea of me and I need to step away. I need to heal emotionally and mentally from years of emotional and mental abuse and move forward, move towards God’s will for my life. I’m not even sure where I want to start but I need to start somewhere, which is where this blog comes into play. Hopefully I don’t go around in circles too many times.
Growing up I always felt “different”. I could never put my finger on it but I always felt like the black sheep of the family. In the English language, black sheep is a term used to describe someone who is odd or disreputable from the norm. Now for those of you who know me, you know that I don’t fit into that stereotypical “black sheep” definition, quite the opposite really, yet that is how I have always felt in my family. I always had a hard time understanding why I felt that way until recently.
On the outside looking in, we looked like a normal average middle class American family but being on the inside was such a different story. I really wish I would have journaled through those years growing up because so many of my memories have been blocked or forgotten so I didn’t have to deal with the realty of my family life.
Most of my life has been spent walking on eggshells around my mother. What was I going to do or say that would make her mad and set off her vengeance against me? For years I thought she was bipolar because of the way her mood could change from good to bad at the drop of a pin. You never knew what was going to set her off because she went off on things that most rational sane people wouldn’t. I can’t even recall examples of what set her off from my childhood, I just remember the rage. I do remember recent incidents in the last few years where she got into a fit of rage over throwing away spoiled ham from her refrigerator or because everyone finished dinner before her and we didn’t sit around the table waiting for her to finish before getting up.
It is kind of like that old game Minesweeper. No matter how careful you are, you think you are making all the right moves and the next step… BOOM! Not only do I have to worry about the blow up but then I have to figure out to fix everything and make her happy again. It is a very exhausting cycle and it is not normal at all to have to live like that.
It has taken me 15 years of life filled with anxiety and panic attacks to realize that she is the reason for my anxiety. Not only my childhood but my adulthood, thus far, has been spent in constant worry. This constant state of worry makes everyday tasks seem almost impossible because of this there are many things I have started but never finished and I am learning that this is all too common among people that have been treated like I have. I’ve lost so much of my life because of this anxiety and just the pure fear of the anxiety. You can’t live a normal life when you fear your own mother’s irrational rage because it spreads into every aspect of your life. The last few days as I find myself in the midst of a storm trying to face my giant, I keep reading Romans 12:2 and especially the first few words “Do not conform any longer”.
We are taught to love, obey, respect our parents but no one ever talks about what to do when you are not loved or respected in return. Sure, when it is a clear cut case of physical abuse it is probably generally acceptable in our society to stop contact with your parents. However, in cases like mine where the abuse was never physical but mental and emotional, you not only get judged by your family for trying to break free of the abuse but by society because they cannot see the pain that has been inflicted upon you over and over. Even though I know deep down that I deserve so much better, the guilt that has been instilled in me over the years makes it so hard to break away. However, now that I have a family of my own, I can no longer conform to society’s expectation of a relationship between myself and my family, nor can I conform to the person my family has tried to tell me I am all these years.
All my life I have been told “that’s good but you could have done better”, “That A- should have been an A+”, “Why did you do it that way? You should do it this way.” and etc. It never matter what I did or how I succeeded at it, it was never good enough. I’m very thankful for my relationship with the Lord, if it were not for my faith I don’t know what I would have become. As a teen, I thought so many times of rebelling against my parents but never did because I respected myself more than that. I wanted to be proud of myself even if I knew I could never please them. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming but it is time to step away and become all that God wants me to be and all that I know I can be when not being suppressed by my family.
Part 2 coming soon!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
One Month After and Christmas
I haven't blogged in a while because I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible, running from the grief and pain. I'm not doing too great of a job of it and I think it is slowly starting to catch up to me.
The start of the miscarriage was 5 weeks ago today, that pregnancy and loss feels like an eternity ago but the pain feels like it was just yesterday. For a while everyday seemed to get better but now the closer we get to Christmas the harder it is for me.
I keep thinking of how if I wouldn't have had the first loss that I would have a 2 month old for Christmas and thinking of what it would be like to have a newborn right now. While I know these thoughts do me no good, it's still hard not to think about what might have been. Then those thoughts and feelings lead me to the most recent loss and how devastated it made me feel. Then all those painful feelings and memories come rushing back to me.
Which then brings me to the present, the feelings associated with how we're starting back at square one and how it's been almost a year since we started on this journey to try to conceive a 2nd living child and we still don't have a 2nd living child or a viable pregnancy to show for it. I guess on some level it makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I have done everything right and haven't caused this to happen to myself. Then there are the feelings of being scared to try again with the unknown of what will happen when I get pregnant again.
It just seems like way too much for a person to deal with, it's so overwhelming at times. Some moments I just want to cry but then I feel foolish for crying, it's so hard to describe. In the grand scheme of things, I just want to be able to move past this all and be happy and not be in pain anymore.
I'm really hoping and praying that 2011 will be a much better year filled with God's bountiful blessing upon our family.
The start of the miscarriage was 5 weeks ago today, that pregnancy and loss feels like an eternity ago but the pain feels like it was just yesterday. For a while everyday seemed to get better but now the closer we get to Christmas the harder it is for me.
I keep thinking of how if I wouldn't have had the first loss that I would have a 2 month old for Christmas and thinking of what it would be like to have a newborn right now. While I know these thoughts do me no good, it's still hard not to think about what might have been. Then those thoughts and feelings lead me to the most recent loss and how devastated it made me feel. Then all those painful feelings and memories come rushing back to me.
Which then brings me to the present, the feelings associated with how we're starting back at square one and how it's been almost a year since we started on this journey to try to conceive a 2nd living child and we still don't have a 2nd living child or a viable pregnancy to show for it. I guess on some level it makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I have done everything right and haven't caused this to happen to myself. Then there are the feelings of being scared to try again with the unknown of what will happen when I get pregnant again.
It just seems like way too much for a person to deal with, it's so overwhelming at times. Some moments I just want to cry but then I feel foolish for crying, it's so hard to describe. In the grand scheme of things, I just want to be able to move past this all and be happy and not be in pain anymore.
I'm really hoping and praying that 2011 will be a much better year filled with God's bountiful blessing upon our family.
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